Decision making

After travelling in the wrong direction for the longest time, do u continue in that direction or should u make a u- turn?

In the past, I would definitely recklessly u-turn even without checking if the next route is right but now, I don't know at all. Suddenly, I feel that I no longer know myself. I can never be at the starting point again

Communication needs time and effort

Because of certain situations happening, I decided that we need to have a discussion ( actually several discussions) because there are too many interconnecting issues to be ironed out before unhappiness set in. We finally started last night at least it is a good start; hopefully it doesn't end like that.

1) tentative plan after i go back to work on 1st sept

Sophie and domestic help will be going to my mum and mother in law place during the week. Mother in law: Monday and Tuesday while my mummy will take Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I will try to get off work ASAP (fingers crossed)! So weekdays nights and weekends, we will take charge


2) from 18 months onwards, we would like Sophie to be enrolled in a childcare centre in preferably Simei or else would be Tampines. Got to start searching from 6 months onwards taking into account, that vacancy will be limited because of the increase number of babies in the year of the dragon.

3)Housework will have to be split between the both of us and probably outsource some of it. By then, I must constantly remind myself that we have different standards and no no snide remarks- unhealthy for our relationship

Hopefully both of us can make the effort to communicate

On a side note, yeah! We are going on a stay-cation at hard rock cafe sentosa on 11 dec ( our 10 years together and 3 yrs ROM). Can't wait already :)

Patience...

Before u get angry, Take a deep breath and count to ten...

Child's Ten Commandments to Parents, A

I want to remember this in my motherhood journey..

1. My hands are small. Please don't expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture or throw a ball. My legs are short. Please slow down so that I can keep up with you.

2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have. Please let me explore safely. Don't restrict me unnecessarily

3. Housework will always be there. I'm only little for such a short time. Please take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.

4. My feelings are tender. Please be sensitive to my needs. Don't nag me all day long. (You wouldn't want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness.) Treat me as you would like to be treated.

5. I am a special gift from God. Please treasure me, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by and disciplining me in a loving manner.

6. I need your encouragement and your praise to grow. Please go easy on the criticism. Remember, you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.

7. Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday, I'll be prepared to make the kind of decisions life requires of me.

8. Please don't do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn't quite measure up to your expectations. I know it's hard, but please don't try to compare me with my brother or my sister.

9. Please don't be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it's a great way to show us kids that your marriage is very special.

10. Please take me to worship regularly, setting a good example for me to follow.

I hope that these 10 commandments will stay in my mind constantly whenever I'm going to blow my top at my dearest Sophie.

And dear Sophie, mummy will try her best so please be patient with me k.

The cycle continues...

Warm breastmilk (10mins plus)--->feed( good times 20 mins; bad times 60 mins including warming and feeding again)---> burping (5 mins)--->washing (5 mins)---> pumping (30 mins)-->washing of breastpump (5 mins)

Total: 1hr 15 mins (good days)
1hr 55 mins (bad days)

My goodness... Faint and that is part of the 3 hrs cycle. Perils of motherhood

Updates at 13 weeks and 5 days

Heh writing while pumping for milk..
Decided to record the milestones my Sophie has achieved

She has become more responsive and aware of her environment so much so it has become a struggle to feed her. She will be distracted by her surroundings and rather focus on the happenings around her than her milk.
And apparently, I have become the only person who is able to feed her.
A double edged sword- on one hand as xin would put it; she loves mummy so much that she wants no one else but it also means mummy is not able to take a breather cos mummy has to feed, burp and quickly pump milk for the next feed- taking into account that usually I would need two sessions before there is sufficient milk for her.

And my heartaches when she don't finish her milk and for the record I
want to write the heartwenching moment- I threw away 120ml worth of breastmilk sob!!!
It happened when I was warming up the milk and xin( he insisted that he has been doing it) had filled the water to the brim. And with the thermometer in, haiz... The water had filled the bottle of breastmilk as well!! Terrible :(
The breastmilk were collected in drips and drops...

I have never been one who will go gaga over babies and in fact i get scared because they seems so soft and always puking milk heh but I guess it is a different story when it comes to my own. Even if she has small beady eyes and bush like hair heh, I still think she is the prettiest baby around. Sophie, mummy loves u lots!

Sophie's 3rd month jab

Poor Sophie baby had to be injected exactly on her 3rd month (she is exactly 13 weeks today how time flies) and very soon my maternity leave will come to an end.

So off we went to the polyclinic for the appointment at 930am.
Since we had prior appointment, the waiting time was minimal- we were out by 1020am.

While waiting outside room 23 for immunisation (forgot to take a picture) too busy checking out other babies weight and height.

Her weight as of today is 5.325kg ( a tad too lower compared to her peers) sigh which makes me wonder if my breastmilk doesn't have enough of hind milk to beef her up.
Should I just give up breastfeeding altogether instead? It seems lonely on this breastfeeding journey.

Anyway I was afraid of getting too emotional watching my poor girl being pricked; I decided to wait outside. But I could recognise my baby's cries. Poor girl she had both her left and right thigh injected.

Now, it is time to monitor her temperature. Fingers crossed she is well up to now with only some sobbing while sleeping heh. Probably having nightmare over her traumatic experience this morning.

And got to start tummy time with her soon she is slower in that area compared to her peers.

Wondering if I should get the Playton playmat....

Ebbs and flows of Emotions

These days, my emotions tend to ebbs and flows, probably the routine of motherhood has hit me.I wonder if it is normal at all.

Family members and friends have gotten over the hype of having a new baby in the house and also probably since I am able to cope better on my own there was less mollycoddle.

So now my days works in blocks of 3 hours- feed, playtime, pump, self and back again. And I find it so much harder to fall asleep at home, probably subconsciously I just can't let go, keep thinking she might wake up and I can't even hear her cries.

So fatigue, low supply of milk coupled with paranoid, I start to undergo mixed emotions within myself.for a while, I contemplated if I should go back and work, to validate that I am still part of the adult world.
But i know that won't work.
Both sides of our families are not ready to take care of her yet although I guess if we ask, they won't turn us down.

I have become dependent on xin and my parents for that gleams of adult interaction everyday.

But my parents are so busy so usually they pop by for only 30mins or so before they take off again.but I'm always so glad to see them.

And when xin is back, it's dinner/tv,shower,baby time, iPhone/papers/tv and sleep.

I started to resent him, why can't he hold a proper conversation without having the papers/tv/ iPhone around or in the background.

And talking at the dinner table has become more like housemates/ partners doing updates and logistic arrangement for the week or else it would be on our baby's development.

Why is it that his life has not change with the baby around? Why can't he take more initiative? Why can't he shower more attention and love towards me? Aren't we in this together? Why does it feel like I'm doing it alone?

It is like his life is as per normal whereas mine is a 360 degrees change. It is either me and baby which requires minute planning or baby at my mum's place which requires a whole lot of logistics arrangement and on top of that, disruption to her routine ( she is now at a super playful stage). I feel
cut off from my friends and activities I enjoy doing. He just comes in and says hi to baby, cajole baby and baby smiles then baby sleeps.

I yearn for more adult attention so much so that I actually tear last night. I don't know what hit me. I felt so alone, looking at the clock counting down the minutes to her next feed time with xin snoring in the master bedroom and the help sleeping soundly. There was no one I could call or SMS at that hour.

I just feel so insignificant suddenly.. It was so upsetting.Luckily I snapped out of it when the digital clock showed 0000 which was time to make her milk.

One quiet morning...

Today is April 15 2012, a beautiful Sunday :) a little time to myself

3 months (12 weeks and 4 days) have just whizzed through. My little tan Bao Bao is not longer that little anymore heh and now she is renamed as Sophie girl girl

And because of the mayhem, we have neglected the blog. Guess it is time to rev my engine before time just roll by and I can't remember my dearest growing up years and hopefully one day, my baby will be able to read her life story.

Starting from the day our dear sophie was born (from that day on, I have been constantly doubting if I am a capable mother who can provide for my baby)

18 Jan 2012
My first time warded in a hospital
Because sophie was already 40 weeks and 6 days, the doc advised us that it would be too risky to continue to have her in my tummy so we had to induce her.

My mummy kept bargaining to the doc to have her delivered after the lunar new year so that she will be born in the year of the dragon. But i was hoping she was a dec baby just like me :)

But the induction didn't went well; even after one long night, my cervix didn't dilated at all. Doc came at around 8am and wanted to pop in another pill but me and xin decided to go for caesarean instead. I was disappointed as I wanted to have my baby via natural very much.

I didn't know what to expect in the operation theatre especially when I was wheeled in alone and left waiting outside the operating theatre. I was scared.

Once in the theatre, the masked nurses were very reassuring and also the anaesthetist who kept talking to me. I only remembered telling dr koh to leave a pretty scar for me. I totally blacked out.

I vaguely remembered being wheeled back to the room and the nurse telling me to breastfeed my baby but I was only semi conscious. I couldn't wake up to hold her. To this day, there is still the tinge of regret when i see others having their photos taken with their newborn after delivery.


When I was more conscious, I asked to see her- it was love at first sight. She was still so small, but had cute ruddy cheeks.

The pain from the c-section was bad, really bad. Movement was sooo slow and there was also the pain from
the canister. I had already decided on breastfeeding but it was tough. But when I saw her suckling, I knew it was worth it. ( that's why even though my milk supply is at a all time low, i insist of breastfeeding but there are times
It feels like im alone in it)

The hospital stay was a breeze but xin had to fall sick during this period. The horror only came in when i shifted home for confinement.

I challenged the confinement tradition of not bathing and cried and quarrelled with my mum over so many things. But because she was my mummy, we always get back together again. I absolutely believe Sophie and me will also have our own love- hate relationship.

At first month celebration for our baby
Sophie