Ebbs and flows of Emotions

These days, my emotions tend to ebbs and flows, probably the routine of motherhood has hit me.I wonder if it is normal at all.

Family members and friends have gotten over the hype of having a new baby in the house and also probably since I am able to cope better on my own there was less mollycoddle.

So now my days works in blocks of 3 hours- feed, playtime, pump, self and back again. And I find it so much harder to fall asleep at home, probably subconsciously I just can't let go, keep thinking she might wake up and I can't even hear her cries.

So fatigue, low supply of milk coupled with paranoid, I start to undergo mixed emotions within myself.for a while, I contemplated if I should go back and work, to validate that I am still part of the adult world.
But i know that won't work.
Both sides of our families are not ready to take care of her yet although I guess if we ask, they won't turn us down.

I have become dependent on xin and my parents for that gleams of adult interaction everyday.

But my parents are so busy so usually they pop by for only 30mins or so before they take off again.but I'm always so glad to see them.

And when xin is back, it's dinner/tv,shower,baby time, iPhone/papers/tv and sleep.

I started to resent him, why can't he hold a proper conversation without having the papers/tv/ iPhone around or in the background.

And talking at the dinner table has become more like housemates/ partners doing updates and logistic arrangement for the week or else it would be on our baby's development.

Why is it that his life has not change with the baby around? Why can't he take more initiative? Why can't he shower more attention and love towards me? Aren't we in this together? Why does it feel like I'm doing it alone?

It is like his life is as per normal whereas mine is a 360 degrees change. It is either me and baby which requires minute planning or baby at my mum's place which requires a whole lot of logistics arrangement and on top of that, disruption to her routine ( she is now at a super playful stage). I feel
cut off from my friends and activities I enjoy doing. He just comes in and says hi to baby, cajole baby and baby smiles then baby sleeps.

I yearn for more adult attention so much so that I actually tear last night. I don't know what hit me. I felt so alone, looking at the clock counting down the minutes to her next feed time with xin snoring in the master bedroom and the help sleeping soundly. There was no one I could call or SMS at that hour.

I just feel so insignificant suddenly.. It was so upsetting.Luckily I snapped out of it when the digital clock showed 0000 which was time to make her milk.